To the Commanding Officer.
Sir, – I have the honour to report that I have as good as passed my Regular Commissions Board, in as much as the eventual result is in the bag.
My actual grading was given out as “N.Y.”, from which I can only suppose that a mistake has crept in and that by a clerical error the results of the Regular Commissions Board have been crossed with the findings of the medical board assembled last time I went down with malaria.
I always did maintain that it was N.Y.D. fever and not malaria, and would take this opportunity of requesting that, in the light of this new evidence, the Adjutant might be instructed to delete my name from the Orderly Officer roster.
Only thus can he recompense me for the twenty-eight days he gave me (in what can only be described as a spiteful manner) on my return from hospital, weak and in need of succour, after a deadly bout of malignant fever contracted during the course of hazardous operations deep in the jungle. Where a lesser man might have expected praise, and even perhaps a “Mention”, all that was meted out to me were acid recriminations and extra duty. But I fear my innate sense of fair play has caused me to stray from the point.
To return to the Regular Commission Board, which, incidentally, is what I have to do in six months’ time, the President informed me in confidence, after the first morning, that he considered it was a waste of time sending a chap like me to a Regular Commission Board as at present constituted.
I obviously had qualities which made it clear from the outset that any normal test could scarcely apply to an officer of my calibre. He said that the idea was to test the whole syndicate, not just one individual, and no one else had so far had the slightest opportunity to show either drive or initiative in open competition with myself.
In the circumstances he thought he ought to deprive the less gifted aspirants of the benefit of my advice and assistance, and let them pass or fail on their own merits. He would, therefore, humbly suggest that I might care to go away and return at some future date, after the D.S. should have had the opportunity of modifying the course along the lines of those suggestions for improvement which I had been kind enough to offer.
He told me that he would personally write to you, as an old friend, and give you the form, at the same time making certain suggestions for my employment in the interim period. He had developed a deep and abiding interest in my future career during the short while he had had the honour of my acquaintance, and knew you would forgive his intervention in the interests of the service.
He thought he owed it to all concerned to re-write my recommendation, since he felt that my long periods of detached duty might be reflected in the current report. Of course, he understood with what difficulty you had composed such a masterpiece of understatement, but it really did not do me justice. No, indeed.
In spite of the glowing terms in which the General couched his opinion of my abilities, I must say it was a disappointment not to have been allowed to complete the course, puerile though it may have been. I would cheerfully have settled for a modest “A”, and pointed out to the President that there was absolutely no need for him to give himself the trouble of writing to War Office about a special grading, which he intimated he would feel compelled to do were I graded on the spot.
It is a pity that I should have come all this way from Malaya to the United Kingdom with such little result, and I am wondering whether perhaps you would arrange for me to be given some sort of a course now that I am here? Naturally enough, you will be aware that the common run of A.F.V. School courses does not meet my requirements; and it did cross my mind that you might consider putting me forward as a special measure for nomination to the Senior Officers’ Tactical Course.
I understand the Second-in-Command is home for this and I am sure it would be to our mutual benefit to get me on it, too. He would undoubtedly find my up-to-date knowledge from O.C.T.U. a great asset, and I would possibly derive a certain benefit from this wider experience.
In conclusion, sir, I wonder if you would do me the favour of keeping a fatherly eye on my troop during your visits to the Squadron? Another subaltern has, unfortunately, been given temporary command in my absence, and I understand that a rumour has got around that this was in order to put the troop “back on its feet”.
This is no doubt a sort of pun, in the poorest taste, aimed at the fact that D.A.D.M.E. put all my vehicles off the road just before I sailed. Why he should have taken such unwarranted action is beyond my comprehension. The vehicles had just been repainted and to my certain knowledge were all filled with oil, since a special trip had to be made to Kuala Lumpur to collect a quantity of lubricant sufficient for the job.
As for D.A.D.M.E.’s contention that all the universal joints were dry and broken, that fault is attributable solely to the poor design of the armoured cars in question. How should anyone know that such mechanical contrivances exist, much less require greasing, if Mr. Daimler has the downright stupidity to hide them under armoured plates? Supposing the troop were attacked by bandits when the belly plates were off? It seems a pretty risky business to me!
But to return to your keeping an eye on my troop. If it appears satisfactory to you then, of course, it can’t have gone very far wrong, and I shall be able to pull it together again when I return.
Meanwhile,
I have the honour to be, Sir,
Your obedient servant,
A. Mustard, 2/Lieut.
